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Hi. Now you say something.

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

Mom, Dad… Don’t you think it would be easier to reach me if I had a cellular phone? So how about an early birthday present?

Please leave your name and number — But first, a short algebra quiz: How much is 5Q + 5Q? (Pause while caller thinks) 10Q You’re welcome!

I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it… I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

Hello, this is the Brown residence. We’re in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I’ll be right with you.

(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I’m a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy’s answering machine. If you give me your name and number I’ll… Uh, I’ll post it on the fridge where he’ll see it. Uh… By the way, where did you say you live?

I’m not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn’t take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don’t leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.